How to tell if you cat is plotting to kill you.

There are so many reasons why I don't want a cat. Sure, I like petting them, but that's different! I really don't want one! If you give me a cat for my birthday, I will shoot you. For sure.
But while trying to sleep last night, I thought of these legitimate reasons why cats (or, in your sense, YOUR cat) is trying to kill you.

Kneading on you

You may think this is a sign of affection, but your cat is actually checking your internal organs for weaknesses.

Excessive shoveling of kitty litter

After using the litter box, your cat needlessly kicks little around, most of it ending up all over the room.
This is practice for burying bodies

Staring Contests

If you get caught in a staring contest with your cat, do not look away. Looking away will signal to your cat that you are weak, and an attack is likely to follow.

Bringing you dead animals

This isn't a gift. It's a warning.

Throwing up grass

Through this painful feeding and purging process, cats prepare their minds and bodies for combat.

Hiding in dark places and watching you

Your cat will often hide in order to study you in your natural habitat.

Sleeping on your electronics

Humans have superior technology. Your cat knows this and will attempt to disrupt all communications to the outside world.

Pawing at your face while you sleep

Cats aren't very good at smothering people, but this won't stop them from trying.

Sprinting at light speed out of any room you enter

When your cat does this, it's actually a failed ambush.


See? If you experience two or more of these signs, I suggest creating an apocalyptic cavern for yourself and your loved ones when cats decide that humans can't run the planet anymore.
No, seriously. RUN.